Are you a pirate when it comes to fighting? As in, do you brazenly charge in with accusations, a smattering of profanity and hope to crudely beat your point across? That is a bad way, grasshopper.

Gretchen Rubin, Huffington Post blogger and author of The Happiness Project (forthcoming), recently compiled a list of twenty-three phrases that can help couples turn a verbal brawl back down to a constructive fight. We’ve pick nine of our favorites from that list and explained why we think they work so well.

1. You don’t have to solve this—it helps me just to talk to you.
This is a good response to any “quit whining” complaints—a non-confrontational way to let him know you need a considerate ear not a contrary opinion. Plus, it’s actually a compliment in disguise.

2. Please try to understand my point of view.
One of the first things to fly out the window during an argument is empathy. The more the accusations escalate, the more narrow-minded both parties get. Try this simple plea early in the argument to ensure that both of you approach the issue with the other’s feelings in mind.

3. This is important to me. Please listen.
You would think listening is a built-in function of any argument, but most of the time, we’re too busy calculating what to say next to truly pay attention to our partner’s words. Use this clarion call and wait a couple of seconds before stating the most important points you want to get across.

4. I can see my part in this.

The fastest way to a nasty, no-solution impasse is to unload all the blame on one side. Yeah sure, you may think it’s justified, but no one likes to be singled out as the only problem. Admitting your part in the matter, no matter how small it was, can help prevent an aggressive “Nuh-Uh!” rebuttal.

5. We’re getting off the subject.
You start discussing the dishes in the sink, and suddenly it becomes a fight over who forgot to gas up the car. An argument can quickly become a large laundry list of complaint after complaint. Use this phrase to steer the conversation back to the main problem that needs to be tackled now.

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