What It Takes to Make It Work
If you’re a couple who never fights, either because of trust issues or because of the fear of revisiting arguments past, there are steps you can take to overcome that avoidance. Sandy shared how she helps her clients in similar situations: “I let them know that there are safe ways to have conflict, and I do a great deal of educating on how to manage conflict so they become closer and experience more intimacy as a result,” she says. “After giving many tools, I coach them in the process and help them express themselves, ask for what they need, and use empathy with their partner to create trust and diminish insecurity.”

The tools she refers to include: using I-statements more (e.g., “I feel resentful when you don’t help me clean”), being honest about feelings without placing blame or getting defensive, taking small time-outs if you feel too stressed or upset, and—possibly the most important one of all—listening to your partner. Turning a bad conflict into a good one is the goal behind each tactic. In good conflicts, partners want to understand each other above all else. In bad conflicts, winning the argument becomes the top priority. But as anyone who’s been through a particularly bad fight can tell you, there are no winners when that’s the case. But there aren’t winners when you completely avoid issues, either. Once we realize that conflict isn’t always a negative thing—and in fact can be quite beneficial to the relationship—we can learn how to handle it the right way. It may take patience and riding out a few bumps along the way, but if the outcome is a partnership with a stronger foundation of trust, kindness, and understanding, it’s certainly worth a try.

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