val was essential before marriage could take place. If he used his veto, she had to give up John-or elope!

4. Selection by the young people - the parents not consulted. This is the method which is becoming widespread in the West today. The couple may be living away from home, and unable to consult their parents. But even when the parents are formally consulted, all too often their agreement is a mere formality. They know that, even if they raise objections, the marriage is likely to take place anyway.

Which of these methods is most desirable?

We would reject the first. Even if it is efficient, we believe it denies to young people a freedom that should be theirs by right. This is the position being widely adopted in the East today.

We would also reject the last. Young people should not be dominated

by their parents in this matter. But neither should their parents be left entirely out of the picture. The experience of parents can often correct and restrain the headstrong and distorted choices of inexperienced youth. The kind of freedom young people in the West today are demanding is unreasonable, and undesirable in their own best interests.

The desirable ideal, we believe, is a cooperative selection by young people and parents together. This may not always be easily achieved.But it is worth the effort that may be needed. It creates unity in ihe family. It balances out the intense feelings of youth against the detached judgement of more mature experience. It offers, we believe, the best basis for successful marriages - especially if backed by scientific knowledge accumulated by study and research.

At the present time, the East.is moving steadily towards the ideal of cooperation between parents and young people. But the West is moving further away from it, as young people increasingly ignore their parents' opinions. However, there is some compensation in the fact that the results of study:and research concerning the criteria of good mate selection are being made available increasingly to Western youth.



7. Marry - for What?

I'm afraid it is in the nature of an agony aunt's job that she is more concerned with failures than with triumphs. Nevertheless, these past years, I've also noticed something of the pattern that leads to success in married life.

I've seen, for instance, that making a marriage work begins long before making a marriage. It begins with a girl who thinks less about marriage than girls have traditionally done, and more about herself in relationship to work and to her community. The very first trick to a happy marriage is to become a person of independence and pride who does not imagine a husband is necessary to make her magically complete.

Whenever I get a letter from a woman who says she "cannot live without" the man who is breaking her' heart, I am compelled to tell her that successful partnerships are not between those who cannot live without each other, but bet.ween those who can live with each other. There is no room even in daydreams for the stupid idea that there is on earth only one mate intended for another.

To my surprise I have found this antique misconception is still alive and it creates a lazy superstition that has caused more than one marriage to fail. How can anyone who believes her union was "meant to be", not equally believe it was "not meant to be" at the first sign of trouble? Whether or not a marriage was "meant to be" is beside the point; it is and therefore it requires patience and protection.

Passion is great outside marriage, but not so hot inside it. So why do we marry? For love? Oh yes. Friendship? Certainly. Children? Why not? Money? Dodgy. Fun? Never.

For most young people-and a lot of older ones-marriage is the first adult commitment, and if it is to succeed it must be undertaken in an adult way. It isn't a bad idea for engaged couples to write out the sort of contract any other work

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