s intelligent and would start paying some attention to him.

Stuart could remember when his father used to go to ballgames and movies with him. Who knew? Maybe things would go back to the way they used to be. Stuart would offer to get a part-time job to help pay off some of the bills. He thought that might lessen some of the arguing at home and keep the family from breaking up. He would lat his father know that he was old enough to understand things weren't always easy at the office.

When Stuart's father came home and saw the report, he said without any hesitation, "Well, well, who did the work for you? I know you don't have the brains to do it! "

Stuart was stunned. All that work for nothing! He wouldn't be surprised if his father not only thought he was stupid but hated him, too.

Stuart would not have been as hurt if he had only known his father was tied up in his own miserable feelings. This kept him from recognizing what Stuart had accomplished in school.

2. Uses of Criticism

While some of us have a tendency to disbelieve or to minimize the good things people say about us, others among us have a tendency to hold a protective web around ourselves in defense against criticism. One workshop participant said, "I confuse the issue by getting logical in the face of threatening reactions. Sometimes I act helpless so others will stop the criticism. ?Early in the workshop experience he had received more negative than positive reactions. While he was fearful of criticism, he found that he had courted it, hoping that he could learn how to handle it and overcome his fear.

We may court negative reactions for other reasons. A therapy group member regarded criticism as more useful than compliments, and criticism is what he often got-not because he asked for it directly, but because of his detached manner, as though he were sitting in judgment of others. Moreover, his tendency to qualify and hedge his opinions and feelings until they had no meaning often brought down the ire of others upon him. He gave the impression of accepting their displeasure stoically, as though it strengthened him. He never openly criticized other members, however.

Still another member, who claimed that"criticism is the stuff that we grow on? gave others criticism galore so they could improve and, in his words, "not appear in a negative light in the future." This member came across as using his ostensible concern for the growth of others as an excuse to criticize and attack them.

3. Is It Right to Withhold One's Reactions to Others?

It is not uncommon for us to withhold our reactions to others. We may hold back compliments for fear of embarrassment to them and to ourselves. We may hold back criticism for fear of being disliked or considered unfair, or for fear of hurting another person. Reactions given inconsiderately may indeed hurt others. On the other hand, some of us are inclined to withhold our reactions from others while at the same time we honestly prefer that they not hold back theirs from us.

We may have two different rules. The first one may be: If we ask others for candid reactions to our behavior, to something we have done or plan to do, we want them to tell us straight, including the negative with the positive. The second rule may be: If someone else asks us for similar reactions, we are inclined to hold back or gloss over the negative and embroider the positive.

4. Criticism Is a Kind of Demand on Those Criticized

As children, many of us got a great deal of criticism and, as a result, learned a variety of patterns for coping with it. Marya had apparently received little criticism, but, knowing that she was not perfect and deserved what other children got, developed her own patterns of selfjudgment and censure. Being judged, whether we are underestimated or overestimated, usually implies a demand, subtle or direct, that we change. If others do not demand change,

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