Ladies: Beware 'Phoenix Men'

A recent survey of over 35, 500 single ladies in China offers some insight into Chinese women's attitudes towards men and marriage. The survey, which included questions such as "Why are you still single?" and "What kind of man do you hope to marry?" shed light on the types of men that single Chinese women prefer, with some surprising results.

近日，一份对超过35500名单身女性的调查反映了中国女性对于男人和婚姻的态度。该调查通过“为什么你还保持单身？”和“你希望和什么样的人结婚？”这样的问题来揭示出中国单身女性喜欢什么样的男人，结果出乎意料。

While 51.13 percent of the women surveyed regarded "getting married" as their goal, they reported that the top three male traits that made them prefer single-hood were men's constant involvement in "ambiguous" love affairs, their tendency to talk a lot but accomplish little, and their stinginess. While these feelings may resonate globally, what set the Chinese marriage market apart were respondents' attitudes towards men, as well as their expectations and standards for their potential future husbands.

51.13%的受访者渴望结婚，而造成她们仍然保持单身原因中，排在前三位的男人的缺点分别是热衷于搞暧昧、说得多做得少和小气。这在全世界各个国家都是一样的，而真正使得中国的婚姻市场与众不同的是这些受访者对于男人的态度，以及对于她们潜在的未来丈夫的期望和要求标准。

When asked "What kind of men are you willing to marry?" the most popular response was "a divorced man who owns a house and car, " followed by "a successful 40-something man who has gone on a lot of blind dates but is still single." Interestingly -- and even a bit surprisingly -- the least popular kind of man, coming in behind even "an unassuming computer programmer, " and "a handsome freelancer, " was the so-called "phoenix man, " a high-level corporate manager with a lot of relatives. More broadly defined, a "phoenix man" is someone who came from humble beginnings, made his way through school, exhausted resources of his family in the process, and was expected to change the fate of the family when he eventually succeeded.

当问及“你想嫁个什么样的人？”的时候，得到的最多的答案是“一个有房有车的离了婚的男人”，紧随其后的答案是“相过很多亲但仍然单身的40多岁的成功人士。”既有趣又让人感到震惊的是排在最后的男人，甚至排在“屌丝程序员”和“小白脸自由职业者”之后，就是所谓的凤凰男“一个有着许多亲戚的高级经理。”更加宽泛一点的定义是：所谓的凤凰男就是出身卑微，努力考上大学，花费了全家的积蓄，希望最终成功，借此来改变全家的命运。

Instead of being regarded as heroes who changed their own destinies, "phoenix men" have long been unpopular in the Chinese marriage market, especially among "peacock girls" -- those from urban, relatively wealthy families. Women dislike what they perceive to be the men's insecurity, fear of failure, penny pinching, inferiority complexes, and prioritization of his extended family over his own wife and kids. These are thought to be traits irreversibly ingrained in his psyche by the time he reaches adulthood.

尽管在有些人眼里凤凰男被视作是改变命运的英雄，但是在中国的婚姻市场里他们一直是不怎么受人待见的一类人，特别是遭到来自于城市相对富裕家庭的孔雀女的鄙视。女性们不喜欢凤凰男的不安全感，害怕失败，吝啬。自卑以及优先考虑自己的大家庭而不是自己的妻儿。这些特质被认为是在他们心中根深蒂固的且不可能改变的。

Many Chinese believe that when you marry someone, you are marrying into a lifestyle and an entire family. In a country with conservative marriage traditions, many men and women still think divorce is shameful and that second marriages should be low-profile. China has some long-standing traditions when it comes to marriage, including especially tight family ties, living with the husband's family after marriage, and having the wife serve his parents and potentially his entire family. In modern days, couples who live and work in more westernized urban areas are less likely to abide by such traditions, but they have not completely disappeared and may remain in the back of women's minds like a time bomb.

许多中国人认为当你和一个人结婚时，你不是嫁给他一个人而是嫁给一种生活方式和一整个家庭。在这样一个婚姻观保守的国家里，人们始终认为离婚是件不光彩的事情，二婚也让人抬不起头来。中国长期以来都有着这样的习惯：当两个人结婚后，为了维持紧密的家庭关系，女方会搬到男方家里和男方的父母一起住，女方还要伺候男方的父母甚至是全家。当今，许多夫妇在西方化的城市里生活和工作，他们受到这类传统的束缚较少，但是他们也并没有完全摆脱了这些传统，这些留在女性记忆中的传统可能会成为一个定时炸弹。

Many single Chinese women therefore find it difficult to decide whom to marry. On the one hand, marrying a relatively rich divorced man is like taking a "secondhand" man, and they may feel they lose face by doing so. On the other hand, marrying an affluent "phoenix man" might embroil the woman in endless troubles with his extended family.

许多中国单身女性认为很难定下来和一个人结婚。一方面，嫁一个离过婚的有钱人让她们感到有些丢脸。另一方面，如果嫁一个富裕的凤凰男，则可能是让自己卷入和他家庭无尽的纠纷当中。

Netizens weighed in on the dilemma. One woman commented on the survey, "I personally think that you may lose face by marrying an old man [a divorced, middle-aged man], but at least you might have some security in life. He might also be less flirtatious [with other women]. A more stable life would bring you a sense of safety." On Weibo, user @bt桃子 remarked, "One reason marrying a divorced man is better than marrying a single man is that you can see what his attitude toward marriage is: whether he is abusive, whether he is responsible enough, whether he likes to get involved in love affairs. It's hard to learn any of this about a single man unless you've lived closely with him for a while."

网友们表示处境尴尬，一个女士在调查时说到：“我认为嫁给一个老男人（中年，离婚）是件丢脸的事，但是至少能让你有安全感。他也不会到处沾花惹草。稳定的生活能够带给你安全感。”微博用户@bt桃子回复到：“嫁给离过婚的人比嫁给单身的男人好的一点是，你可以看出他对婚姻的态度，他是否有家暴倾向，他是否有责任心，他有没有可能搞外遇。在单身男人身上你根本看不出这些，除非你和他一起生活一段时间。”

A comment by Weibo user @一帘花碎影 illustrated some of the main complaints women have about "phoenix men":

微博用户@一帘花碎影在评论中对凤凰男做了这样的描述：

Love yourself! Stay away from phoenix men! They bear the entire family's hopes while in college, and get what they believe is a good job in a state-owned company with a salary of two or three hundred thousand a year. If you are not from a rich family, his entire family will think that you are not good enough for him. Down the line, his relatives will always come visit him, borrow money for all sorts of reasons, and make you help them get jobs. If you don't help them, they will think he is an ungrateful child who has no appreciation for their sacrifices.

“珍爱生命，远离凤凰男！他们带着全家的希望走进大学，然后在国企找一份年薪二三十万的所谓的好工作。如果你不是来自一个富裕的家庭，他全家会认为你配不上他。他的亲戚会一直来你家看他，并以各种借口借钱，让你帮他们找工作。要是你不这么做，他们会认为他是个忘恩负义的人。”

Women faced these tough choices in a variety of ways. A plurality of those surveyed reported that in their single lives they chose to devote themselves to their work. Almost half reported they had no sex life. A sizable 13.28 percent said they did not want to marry, while 23.87 percent said they were, "uncertain, tired, and might never love again."

女性面临着艰难的抉择。多名受访者说在单身的生活中她们选择把精力投入到工作中去。一半的受访者表示她们没有性生活。多达13.28%的受访者表示她们不想结婚，有23.87的受访者说：“不确定，也尝试过，但感觉不会再爱了。”

In the end, many Chinese women still find choosing a marriage partner very difficult. An easier relationship might come with other trade-offs, while a harder one might not be worth the energy spent. It is worth noting, though, that only single women participated in this survey, so it does not reflect the views of all Chinese women or Chinese society as a whole. Many couples are happily married every day: the marriage registration computer system recently crashed because of the large volume of couples who wanted to get married on May 20, a date that is a homonym for "I love you" in Mandarin.

最后，很多的中国女性还是认为找到结婚伴侣是件很困难的事。因此，权衡之下，保持一种简单的关系要比花大量精力在维持复杂关系更值得。本调查仅涉及中国单身女性，因此并不是中国女性和中国整个社会对婚姻的看法。相反，每一天都有大量的新人登记结婚：在5月20日这天，大量的想要在这天结婚的人使得婚姻登记系统出现了拥堵，因为这天与普通话中的我爱你谐音。